Why Timing in Love Always Feels Wrong (and Why It Doesn’t Have to Be)
A friend once told me:
“Every time I meet a guy, I’m always the one who falls in love first. I confess, he tells me to slow down, and by the time he’s ready, I’ve already lost interest. Then, only when it’s too late, he starts to fall in love with me. This has happened all my life.”
It sounds like misfortune. But maybe it isn’t. It’s an invitation to see love differently—not as a race where both hearts must run in sync, but as a journey where timing can be renegotiated.
1. Love Rarely Happens at the Same Pace
Psychologist Dr. Orion Taraban (Psych Hacks) often says: “Asymmetry is the rule in relationships.” One person almost always feels more at first. Expecting two people to fall at the same speed is like expecting two seeds to sprout on the same day.
What matters isn’t perfect timing—it’s whether two people can bridge that gap with patience, honesty, and communication. When both are willing to “stay at the table” long enough, love has a chance to shift from imbalance into alignment.
Different pacing doesn’t mean doomed timing. It only means one person needs patience, while the other needs courage. If you leave the moment you lose the initial spark, you might walk away just as the other person is ready to meet you where you’ve always wanted.
2. The Spark vs. Real Love
Early on, what we call “love” is often limerence—that intoxicating mix of longing, obsession, and daydreaming. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov, in her classic book Love and Limerence (1979), defined it as “a combination of intrusive thinking, emotional dependence, and a desire for reciprocation.” It feels electrifying, but it’s unstable.
Real love, by contrast, emerges more slowly. It requires acceptance, trust, and mutual choice. As Dr. Taraban puts it:
“Love is not something you fall into; it’s something you cultivate.”
This shift—from spark to substance—is why timing feels mismatched. Infatuation races ahead, but love matures only with time.
The spark is like a match—it burns out quickly. But if you’re willing to nurture it, it can ignite something much steadier: a fire that warms you for years.
3. Feelings Can Grow Back
One common misconception is that once feelings fade, they’re gone for good. But relationship psychology shows otherwise. A 2011 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that relationship satisfaction can be rekindled when partners focus on shared growth and vulnerability.
Feelings are not static; they’re dynamic. Just as a flame can dim and then reignite, attraction can return if given oxygen—patience, empathy, and shared experience. Respecting someone else’s pace may allow the bond to deepen in ways that fleeting attraction never could.
4. No One Is Perfect, But They Can Be Perfect for You
Modern dating culture often promotes a checklist mentality: find someone who “checks all the boxes.” But this mindset creates impossible standards. As Dr. Taraban reminds us:
“You cannot get everything you want in one person. Love is not about perfection; it’s about negotiation and acceptance.”
Psychological research echoes this. Eli Finkel and colleagues (2014), writing in Psychological Science, argue that long-term success depends less on initial compatibility and more on a couple’s ability to adapt and grow together.
In other words: love is less about finding the perfect fit, and more about becoming the fit together.
Final Thought
Love isn’t just about falling. Falling is accidental. Staying—that’s intentional. Timing will never be perfect, because people don’t feel at the same pace. What matters is whether both individuals are willing to meet in the middle, to communicate, and to choose each other again and again.